Stupid Girl

So I saw my pdoc today. I am now completely off celexa, its in the files that i am on 3mg of klonopin a day (.5mg PRN) and my lamictal was upped by 50mg.

But I left aggrevated... again.

I spewed out all my "i think too much" and "i cant read a freakin paragraph to save my life" and "i cant even PRETEND to freaking sit still anymore" and i suggested trying Strattera (since he is way against stims) because we have talked about all this before. And he just ...

All my life I have been disorganized, inattentive, hyperactive... i am contantly moving i cant sit still, i can not read more than 1 and a half paragraphs. And even those paragraphs I have to read 3 times because I dont comprehend what I read, and I am too innatentive.

I only got recently diagnosed when I was 19. Well "recently" being almost 3 years ago. I am only "mildly" adhd. But I wonder what my test results would be if I didnt fuck with the test. The main test I took f...

Well actually, the past week has been great. Last thursday I started talking to

my old friends again. Some are seemingly upset, but I am trying to help them

understand exactly what was going through my head.

The key for me is to constantly be doing something. Its no news to the people

who know me that i can not sit still. Constantly doing something like

exercising for an hour a day, going to a doc appt, running errunds, taking time

to take...

Its been a while with zero slip ups and no desire to contact him whatsoever. Since giving him the axe (not literally, although Ive thought about it lmfao) my depression has lifted quite a bit (although some credit has to go out to weaning off celexa and adding some lamictal). I still have my "blah" days as usual but not a "OMFG i made a horrible mistake" days.

Tonight was the first night I had the thought "I CAN live without him". And even though I went through that thought...

Its everyone who sees the mannipulation bullshit. The group I go to as well as the forum I visit all say the same thing.

A post about him not long ago on a message board more than one person suggested it was emotional abuse. Thats the first time I heard that from peers. And it lit a fire under my ass. And even if you dont know my situation, Its good to hear I am doing the right thing.

And BTW today I didnt miss him AT ALL. I even didnt feel the...

Well, I did it. I told HIM that after I got out of the hospital that I would not talk to him again. I said this while In the car headed to the ER with severe depression and anxiety. He knew this and told me he was going to kill himself if I stopped talking to him and it would be all my fault. I just said "enough", and handed my phone to my parents and they turned it off.

I made a horrible mistake dumping the fucking bastard!

Atleast those are the two pole...

Whole body movements make me feel better. Standing and twirling my enitre body while while shaking my head from side to side...ahh thats good. I just have to keep myself from an old favorite stim of banging my head against the wall.

Explanation?

It started weeks ago, with meds, with emotional dysregulation, with withdrawing from EVERBODY, with anxiety, with relationships, with surroundings etc etc etc.

Then the shit hit the fa...

Last night I had an...episode, of some sort. Around 730-8pm I aquired the cold sweats and naseousness. Then noise started to bother me by hyper acting my senses. I was also shakey and twitchy. And then I became "weird" (hard to explain it, but I just didnt feel right).

I then took my meds like I always do, as well as prescribed, at 830pm. I continue to have the episode.

I try to go lay down after I had enough with too much noise in the...

So a few weeks ago I had an interview for the E club as a recreation attendant. The job sounded fantastic because it was exactly where I wanted to be and I could easily move around.

I thought I did well in the interview. I made eye contact, I made sure I listened and payed attention, I dressed well and I answered all the questions. And in the end where they asked if I wanted to say anything I replied "MCCS brings a great amount of opportunity, as well a great amount of fami...