Blog

You mean I AM Lazy, Stupid and Crazy?

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 00:08:00 -0500

So I saw my pdoc today. I am now completely off celexa, its in the files that i am on 3mg of klonopin a day (.5mg PRN) and my lamictal was upped by 50mg.

But I left aggrevated... again.

I spewed out all my "i think too much" and "i cant read a freakin paragraph to save my life" and "i cant even PRETEND to freaking sit still anymore" and i suggested trying Strattera (since he is way against stims) because we have talked about all this before. And he just says "that doesnt sound like ADHD". And Im like "HUH?? What?". I didnt get it. He said "its THE THINGS on my mind that is causing the symptoms". And that made me even more confused. I mean WHAT exactly am i thinking? I mean besides the ongoing story since i was a baby i created in my head and the 3 stories i am working on and making assumptions and ideas about the past, present and future. So its all THAT? or what exactly am I thinking to make myself like this? But hes the professional. And he told me straterra wont help any of my symptoms. Maybe hes psychic too.

But he also said to just do these new changes this month and we will deal with that "other stuff" later. Okie dokie (i mean whatever). And I asked "well what in the hell am i suppossed to do until then?" and he said "i dont know".

Sigh.

Anyway...

I see my GP on tues. So I can talk about the anemia and see if i still have it and the possible hypoglycemia and the migraines and the staring spells. He is going to love me :))))))

i think i think too much

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 01:11:00 -0500

All my life I have been disorganized, inattentive, hyperactive... i am contantly moving i cant sit still, i can not read more than 1 and a half paragraphs. And even those paragraphs I have to read 3 times because I dont comprehend what I read, and I am too innatentive.

I only got recently diagnosed when I was 19. Well "recently" being almost 3 years ago. I am only "mildly" adhd. But I wonder what my test results would be if I didnt fuck with the test. The main test I took for ADHD is a computer simulation. A letter would appear randomly in a certain color. Every time that letter with that color appeared you press the space key. And ofcarse other random letters would appear every once in a while, in the same color sometimes, as well as the one letter in a different color. At first I was extremely impulsive, hitting the key every time I saw the letter (no matter the color) or even just a random letter...kinda like "ooh OOH!! *click* *click* *click*". Then I got bored. And after the middle of the test I stopped "playing the game" (the psychologists words) completely. I dont know maybe i balanced myself out with the two major extremes... impulsivity and *ooh shiny* to utterly bored and *moved on* attitude.

I have always wanted to try stimulants again. But with my psycjotic symptoms and tics, my doctor just wont have it. And I understand, but I just wish I could get my brain on ritalin sometimes.

I need to do more research onalternatives like therapies. Like is there therapies that help ADHD symptoms?

A alternative to stims that is worth a shot is straterra. It isnt a stimulant, which means it wont agitate psychosis or cause tics. I am going to ask my pdoc about it at my next visit.

In the meantime, my sleep is pushed back 4 hours being of too many thoughts running through my mind. I just wish my brain had a switch to tuen on and off when appropriate.

today was a good day

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 21:28:00 -0500

Well actually, the past week has been great. Last thursday I started talking to

my old friends again. Some are seemingly upset, but I am trying to help them

understand exactly what was going through my head.

The key for me is to constantly be doing something. Its no news to the people

who know me that i can not sit still. Constantly doing something like

exercising for an hour a day, going to a doc appt, running errunds, taking time

to take pictures or do something creative, etc etc. does me the world of good!

And when constantly doing something, I tend to enjoy sitting down for a minute

to collect my thoughts, or eat, or go on the internet. I value that time.

I have zero contact with him, and have no desire to contact him. It just feels

so so good. I spent 2 years in a battle for my independence, for my emotions,

for my own thoughts. I am a lot less tired, a lot less stressed, and hell of a

lot less depressed.

Tonight I went to the NAMI connection group. Those people are becoming my

friends. They give advice from experience as well from the heart. I take that

advice and it really helps.

All the people at NAMI connection I have grown fond of. But there is Denise.

She is going through some of the same things I am with him. I had good news

today about my situation with him, and that I fell like I am going to be okay

now. She is so happy for me. And I her for having the courage she has with her

situation.

Denise was talking about going on a job interview next week and trying to get

herself her own place. I made a joke and said "well if you need a roomate just

call me!" and laughed. But in reality, which she agreed, that actually might

work out.

That gives me hope.

And right now I am very hopeful with the mindset of having a slew of future

possibilities. Yeah I might venture off into negativeism tonight, but writing

this will help that when I read this post over.

I am looking forward to my med changes. Weaning off celexa seems to be a world of good, as well as good effects from upping the lamictal. For the substitute of an SSRI for anxiety and depression I have a couple of ideas. I want to talk about and consider the meds of Lithium or Seroquel. I dont quite get lithium with the blood test and levels and things. But I have heard really good

reviews. And a low dose seroquel (about 200-300mg) would lift anxiety,

depression and help calm my ADHDness. If only I could take ritalin lmao.

I also have some really really good news. But I am not divulging that

information until I get a more concrete setting. With this news, I am not

getting my hopes up like I did before. But I am still hopeful. Just not

delusionally hopeful lmao. Just cross your fingers and think of me.

im okay

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 17:28:00 -0500

Its been a while with zero slip ups and no desire to contact him whatsoever. Since giving him the axe (not literally, although Ive thought about it lmfao) my depression has lifted quite a bit (although some credit has to go out to weaning off celexa and adding some lamictal). I still have my "blah" days as usual but not a "OMFG i made a horrible mistake" days.

Tonight was the first night I had the thought "I CAN live without him". And even though I went through that thought to start the process of elimination, this is the first "I am okay" feeling. And I havent had that feeling in 2 years.

its not just me

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 12:15:00 -0400

Its everyone who sees the mannipulation bullshit. The group I go to as well as the forum I visit all say the same thing.

A post about him not long ago on a message board more than one person suggested it was emotional abuse. Thats the first time I heard that from peers. And it lit a fire under my ass. And even if you dont know my situation, Its good to hear I am doing the right thing.

And BTW today I didnt miss him AT ALL. I even didnt feel the need to contact him. I am going out tomorrow for halloween with my brother as my sidekick. I am looking forward going out for the first time as a single person (not in the sense to date anybody, but the sense of a leech detaching from my body).

well, i did it

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 18:33:00 -0400

Well, I did it. I told HIM that after I got out of the hospital that I would not talk to him again. I said this while In the car headed to the ER with severe depression and anxiety. He knew this and told me he was going to kill himself if I stopped talking to him and it would be all my fault. I just said "enough", and handed my phone to my parents and they turned it off.

I made a horrible mistake dumping the fucking bastard!

Atleast those are the two poles I visit quite often.

I will be fine for the most part, then break down and cry because "I made a horrible mistake" and then I will feel fine.

I havent gotton to the "I am FREE and SOOO glad its OVER hooray hooray hooray!!!" quite yet. Although a lot has to do with my situational life stuff and not just him. My whole world is broken and getting rid of HIM was just a small part...but ANYWAY....

I had 2 slip ups. Once on Sunday and once yesturday. I called him. The thing I found funny was that he was calm and completely fine. He didnt kill himself, he didnt hurt himself AT ALL actually, and he didnt stop his meds. Go figure...jackass.

The night I went to the ER and broke up with him, the thought of him DISGUSTED me and I HATED him for what he did to me when I was younger. I try to think about that when I say I still love him. If I loved him then I wouldnt hate him for something he did to me.

Even as I write this, I still miss him. Which is stupid. But he is the only person I know around here...well until lately. I have been going to a NAMI meeting every wednesday. Yesturday a few people told me that I could call them whenever I needed and that I was indeed their friend. If I wasnt withdrawing from people right now that would be so awesome. But it did make me feel better. What really pulled my hearstrings is that there is a woman who just got out of a 10 year verbally abusive relationship with a man a few months ago. She is really supportive, and says things that just shock me because she hits the nail on the head. I told her that I did it, and she just looked at me and told me how brave I was. Although i dont believe i am brave, that i am actually a wuss for the most part, she understands. And thats a good feeling.

Wow, I dont miss him right now anymore.

stim stim stim hooray!

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 20:00:00 -0400

Whole body movements make me feel better. Standing and twirling my enitre body while while shaking my head from side to side...ahh thats good. I just have to keep myself from an old favorite stim of banging my head against the wall.

Explanation?

It started weeks ago, with meds, with emotional dysregulation, with withdrawing from EVERBODY, with anxiety, with relationships, with surroundings etc etc etc.

Then the shit hit the fan on Wednesday. I went to the group meeting for NAMI, like I always do now on Wednesdays, and I was extremely socially anxious. And lately, when I become anxious I start my new obsession/convulsion. I spell things. When somewhere, and I hear words (people talking, the tv, the radio, whatever) I will spell it constantly in my head. But thats not the end of it. After I spell it I have to write it with my finger in the air or with my toe on the floor. I particularly spell the last two letters.

IE: I hear the word "again". I then obsess over it by spelling it in my head over and over...a-g-a-i-n a-g-a-i-n a-g-a-i-n. Then I compulsively write it, especially the last two letters...a-g-a-i-n-i-n-i-n-i-n-i-n.

MADDENING!!!!!!!!!!

After the meeting. I was so anxious that I had symptoms of a SP seizure. I had the coldsweats, my head ached, my eyes hurt, I felt "weird" and dissociative and just felt horrible. The drive home on the backroads is only 2 lanes. And at one moment (all in the dark btw) I thought "maybe I should get in the next lane" (thinking it was a 4 lane road).

I get home, and I am really upset. Im sick, Im anxious, and he kept texting me. At one moment I hated him. For everything! For not understanding me, for treating me the way he did, for the mani[ulation, for the posessiveness, for what happened between us.

My parents then get home from their wednesday meeting around 9. And to make a long story short, I was so badly off I decided to go to the ER for a psyche evaluation to see if I needed to go in.

And to make it more fun, I told him that when I got out of the hospital (I expected to stay) that I would not talk to him when I got out....ever again. He then told me that he would kill himself if I stopped talking to him and that I chose my family over him and he always knew I would do that. I just said "thats enough" and I gave my phone to my parents and they turned it off.

I was at the ER for 4 hours. And the psyche nurse wan a freaking idiot. She starts asking me questions about my "community ties". And I told her I didnt really have any. And she says "oh no wonder you are anxious and depressed you dont have any community ties". And im like wtf? Ever heard of mentall illness where its the other way around? You dont have community ties because youre anxious and depressed? UGH!!!

In the end I did not get admitted because I was not a threat to myself or society.

Woopy.

On Friday I saw my Psychiatrist. Which I was waiting for a long time because a lot needed to be addressed and changed. It was a long visit, or atleast it felt liked it anyway. He said to stay on 10mg of Celexa for a month and then I will stop it. He upped my Lamictal to 150mg 1x a day. And at the time I was convinced that Special K had completely pooped out on me so I wanted to stop it. So he did nothing with that. Future note: I have come to my senses and am going to call my Pdoc tomorrow afternoon and ask to up the Klonopin. At one point in time he suggested getting off of Geodon and go on 800mg of Seroquel. I told him the Seroquel was fine but Geodon was the only AAP that has ever even TOUCHED my paranoid delusions. So he vetoed that.

Oh, and he told me what Mr. Fucking Moron said my new diagnosis was. My diagnosis is now *drumroll* "UNCLEAR"! Hahahaha. At the time it wasnt funny, but it just tickles me now. But what is not funny, what is actually kind of pathetic, is what this Psychologist told me the "rule out" (means "to consider") diagnosis was, which includes...Schizophreniform Disorder (Schizophrenia that only lasts up to 3 months), Delusional Disorder (to which you dont have hallucinations) and what goes past pathetic and goes into me being PISSED OFF category is the diagnosis "Borderline Personality Disorder". The reason that pisses me off is because thats what he has. And I am nothing like him. I am not manipulative, I am not obsessive, I am not HIM. And in all honesty, there are 7? 8? main symptoms of BPD, and i fit ONE of them (emotional dysregulation aka mood cycling on a daily basis). So um...yeah. Screw that psychologist. The ONLY thing I am keeping from that JACKASS is the main diagnosis of "unclear". Because thats cooler than what I have now (hahahahahah).

And the weekend...I went to Florida. And I was miserable at times. And fine at times. Im still cycling, Im still compulsing and obsessing, Im still socially anxious, and Im still looking for change.

And things ARE changing. Just slowly. Which will be fine (as my parents say). But I suppose "life is a marathon, not a sprint" (or something like that). Yes somedayy I want a husband, yes someday I want kids, yes someday I want a job, my own place, my own life. And I will try to get it, try my hardest and not give up. I can get through this *repeat* *repeat* *repeat* lmao

trickery oh, trickery

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 22:26:00 -0400

Last night I had an...episode, of some sort. Around 730-8pm I aquired the cold sweats and naseousness. Then noise started to bother me by hyper acting my senses. I was also shakey and twitchy. And then I became "weird" (hard to explain it, but I just didnt feel right).

I then took my meds like I always do, as well as prescribed, at 830pm. I continue to have the episode.

I try to go lay down after I had enough with too much noise in the living room as well as naseousness.

Well after a while I start to question myself, such as "am I really me?" and "who exactly am I?". I didnt have the physical symptoms of dissociation, but it definitely was the thoughts of dissociation.

I then start to feel depressed and think things like "I am never going to have a family" and "I am never going to get a job".

I then turn off the light and go to sleep, and sleep well actually with less vivid dreams than usual. I then wake up completely fine.

In all honesty, it felt exactly lik quitting a Benzo cold turkey and being off of it for 3 days. So it was like a withdraw, without the actual withdraw.

My dad called my Psychiatrist today an asked his opinion. He told me to go back to 10mg of Celexa because that might do the trick. I honestly dont think my Psychiatrist knows what happened, or what to do.

I do see him next week, so hopefully some things will be accomplished.

stupid hope

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 08:47:00 -0400

So a few weeks ago I had an interview for the E club as a recreation attendant. The job sounded fantastic because it was exactly where I wanted to be and I could easily move around.

I thought I did well in the interview. I made eye contact, I made sure I listened and payed attention, I dressed well and I answered all the questions. And in the end where they asked if I wanted to say anything I replied "MCCS brings a great amount of opportunity, as well a great amount of familiarity for me. I have been around Marines my enitre life, and I love to work with them.". I wasnt being ingenuious, I was being sincere, honestly I was. I both really wanted, and really needed this job.

A few days ago I found out that I didnt get the job. I called to make sure after a few weeks with no one contacting me. I was, and still am upset about the whole situation. I really wanted that job.

The hard part to swallow is that from what I heard, when I interviewed, the managing team had already had some people they wanted to fill the position. Which means that my interview was worthless. That really sucks because for weeks I had hope I would get this job. Now I feel stupid for hoping. I wish they would have just told me I didnt even have the slightest chance to get the job.

My new goal is to find a new job. Well actually several new jobs and see what I can get. Im still picky at what I do, however Im not just trying to get a bartending gig. So we'll see.

No more stupid hope for me though... hopefully.