Stupid Girl

Whole body movements make me feel better. Standing and twirling my enitre body while while shaking my head from side to side...ahh thats good. I just have to keep myself from an old favorite stim of banging my head against the wall.

Explanation?

It started weeks ago, with meds, with emotional dysregulation, with withdrawing from EVERBODY, with anxiety, with relationships, with surroundings etc etc etc.

Then the shit hit the fan on Wednesday. I went to the group meeting for NAMI, like I always do now on Wednesdays, and I was extremely socially anxious. And lately, when I become anxious I start my new obsession/convulsion. I spell things. When somewhere, and I hear words (people talking, the tv, the radio, whatever) I will spell it constantly in my head. But thats not the end of it. After I spell it I have to write it with my finger in the air or with my toe on the floor. I particularly spell the last two letters.

IE: I hear the word "again". I then obsess over it by spelling it in my head over and over...a-g-a-i-n a-g-a-i-n a-g-a-i-n. Then I compulsively write it, especially the last two letters...a-g-a-i-n-i-n-i-n-i-n-i-n.

MADDENING!!!!!!!!!!

After the meeting. I was so anxious that I had symptoms of a SP seizure. I had the coldsweats, my head ached, my eyes hurt, I felt "weird" and dissociative and just felt horrible. The drive home on the backroads is only 2 lanes. And at one moment (all in the dark btw) I thought "maybe I should get in the next lane" (thinking it was a 4 lane road).

I get home, and I am really upset. Im sick, Im anxious, and he kept texting me. At one moment I hated him. For everything! For not understanding me, for treating me the way he did, for the mani[ulation, for the posessiveness, for what happened between us.

My parents then get home from their wednesday meeting around 9. And to make a long story short, I was so badly off I decided to go to the ER for a psyche evaluation to see if I needed to go in.

And to make it more fun, I told him that when I got out of the hospital (I expected to stay) that I would not talk to him when I got out....ever again. He then told me that he would kill himself if I stopped talking to him and that I chose my family over him and he always knew I would do that. I just said "thats enough" and I gave my phone to my parents and they turned it off.

I was at the ER for 4 hours. And the psyche nurse wan a freaking idiot. She starts asking me questions about my "community ties". And I told her I didnt really have any. And she says "oh no wonder you are anxious and depressed you dont have any community ties". And im like wtf? Ever heard of mentall illness where its the other way around? You dont have community ties because youre anxious and depressed? UGH!!!

In the end I did not get admitted because I was not a threat to myself or society.

Woopy.

On Friday I saw my Psychiatrist. Which I was waiting for a long time because a lot needed to be addressed and changed. It was a long visit, or atleast it felt liked it anyway. He said to stay on 10mg of Celexa for a month and then I will stop it. He upped my Lamictal to 150mg 1x a day. And at the time I was convinced that Special K had completely pooped out on me so I wanted to stop it. So he did nothing with that. Future note: I have come to my senses and am going to call my Pdoc tomorrow afternoon and ask to up the Klonopin. At one point in time he suggested getting off of Geodon and go on 800mg of Seroquel. I told him the Seroquel was fine but Geodon was the only AAP that has ever even TOUCHED my paranoid delusions. So he vetoed that.

Oh, and he told me what Mr. Fucking Moron said my new diagnosis was. My diagnosis is now *drumroll* "UNCLEAR"! Hahahaha. At the time it wasnt funny, but it just tickles me now. But what is not funny, what is actually kind of pathetic, is what this Psychologist told me the "rule out" (means "to consider") diagnosis was, which includes...Schizophreniform Disorder (Schizophrenia that only lasts up to 3 months), Delusional Disorder (to which you dont have hallucinations) and what goes past pathetic and goes into me being PISSED OFF category is the diagnosis "Borderline Personality Disorder". The reason that pisses me off is because thats what he has. And I am nothing like him. I am not manipulative, I am not obsessive, I am not HIM. And in all honesty, there are 7? 8? main symptoms of BPD, and i fit ONE of them (emotional dysregulation aka mood cycling on a daily basis). So um...yeah. Screw that psychologist. The ONLY thing I am keeping from that JACKASS is the main diagnosis of "unclear". Because thats cooler than what I have now (hahahahahah).

And the weekend...I went to Florida. And I was miserable at times. And fine at times. Im still cycling, Im still compulsing and obsessing, Im still socially anxious, and Im still looking for change.

And things ARE changing. Just slowly. Which will be fine (as my parents say). But I suppose "life is a marathon, not a sprint" (or something like that). Yes somedayy I want a husband, yes someday I want kids, yes someday I want a job, my own place, my own life. And I will try to get it, try my hardest and not give up. I can get through this *repeat* *repeat* *repeat* lmao