Stupid Girl

Well, I did it. I told HIM that after I got out of the hospital that I would not talk to him again. I said this while In the car headed to the ER with severe depression and anxiety. He knew this and told me he was going to kill himself if I stopped talking to him and it would be all my fault. I just said "enough", and handed my phone to my parents and they turned it off.

I made a horrible mistake dumping the fucking bastard!

Atleast those are the two poles I visit quite often.

I will be fine for the most part, then break down and cry because "I made a horrible mistake" and then I will feel fine.

I havent gotton to the "I am FREE and SOOO glad its OVER hooray hooray hooray!!!" quite yet. Although a lot has to do with my situational life stuff and not just him. My whole world is broken and getting rid of HIM was just a small part...but ANYWAY....

I had 2 slip ups. Once on Sunday and once yesturday. I called him. The thing I found funny was that he was calm and completely fine. He didnt kill himself, he didnt hurt himself AT ALL actually, and he didnt stop his meds. Go figure...jackass.

The night I went to the ER and broke up with him, the thought of him DISGUSTED me and I HATED him for what he did to me when I was younger. I try to think about that when I say I still love him. If I loved him then I wouldnt hate him for something he did to me.

Even as I write this, I still miss him. Which is stupid. But he is the only person I know around here...well until lately. I have been going to a NAMI meeting every wednesday. Yesturday a few people told me that I could call them whenever I needed and that I was indeed their friend. If I wasnt withdrawing from people right now that would be so awesome. But it did make me feel better. What really pulled my hearstrings is that there is a woman who just got out of a 10 year verbally abusive relationship with a man a few months ago. She is really supportive, and says things that just shock me because she hits the nail on the head. I told her that I did it, and she just looked at me and told me how brave I was. Although i dont believe i am brave, that i am actually a wuss for the most part, she understands. And thats a good feeling.

Wow, I dont miss him right now anymore.